Saturday, May 24, 2008

Missing You

I had a couple of more settled days this week, and I even asked Bren why I seem to have been calmer on Wednesday and Thursday. Neither of use really knew. I've been to the yard every day to water your flowers and I put a lovely red rose on your door on Wednesday and didn't have any really bad wobbly moments. Yesterday was very difficult though. I went to the yard on my way back from London and started to chat to a few people and went to see Katy. Her big brown eyes and her grey face just reminded me so much of you I had to go away and then seeing other people stroking their ponies really got to me and I had to leave.

There are some things that I think I'm only just now beginning to realise. Firstly that you're gone and I won't see you again, and secondly that because of that, I won't stroke you, groom you, ride you and talk to you, trim your feathers, plait you up, wash your tail, tack you up, sponge you off, sponge off the poo you laid in overnight, feed you titbits, give you a likit, make your breakfast, make your haynets, organise your tack, clear out your grooming kit, turn you out, bring you in, ride round the farm with you, have a blast up the permissives with you.... the things we will never do are endless.

I won't ever load you onto the box again, drive you somewhere and keep asking if you are ok, I won't take any more pictures of you, I won't know how white you go as you get older and I will never buy you another set of shoes. John won't turn you out again and tell me about your antics in the field and what a lovely boy you have grown up to be. You won't give me a playful double barrel when ask for canter on the lunge, I wont ever ride you walk to canter again and love it, your lip won't stick out again when you get scratched and I won't hear your funny hiccup again.

Life is cruel, wicked and cruel. How is it ok for you to have only 9 years and for me to have only 4 years with you?

I'm so protective of you even now that if anyone asks a dumb question I get snappy. So many people just don't get how this feels but me being snappy isn't fair because so many people have been in touch and are so sad about me losing you.

I have too much time on my hands and no motivation to do anything. I've gone from having no time and rushing everywhere, to having too much and no reason to do anything. I think that's one of the toughest parts of this, there are things I can do but they are not important and I can't generate the energy to do them.

I might bring your bridles and saddles home from the yard and clean them and put them away with your rugs and other bits and pieces. At least that's something to do that's related to you.

I have to write the other blog entries about Wye, Frensham etc but I have to write happy things so that will have to wait for another time.

It's a 3 day weekend now, and it's going to be so difficult to fill the time without you.

I miss you.